Wow…the amount of questions and comments I received the other day was actually wonderful and I think engaging in this type of conversation is helpful for everyone. We live in a time where real, true relationships are hard to come by and when we own our truth and can overcome things together, we are unstoppable. I thought sharing my responses would be important.
So… the real story is that there are so many factors to this decision I made to stay with my husband and the situation that I was in. I allowed myself 1 year to not make any decisions for our family and although I was blindsided and found out a heartbreaking truth, I was able to watch the person I once loved change for himself. He finally owned his truth and took accountability, which was important for his recovery. One reason I made that decision was because we have little humans together and they deserved the best version of him. Another reason was because he was the one that wanted to make this change and come clean about all the addictive behaviors he had gotten himself into. He is responsible for the decisions he made but the way society supports this behavior and portrays women and men engaging in these unhealthy behaviors is sad. We have a boy and girl and we now have tools and first hand experience to help them along this journey with the situations they will face in this crazy world. Communication is key in any relationship and so necessary for children, so they understand the images they see and the behaviors that are unacceptable.
How did I get over the betrayal?
I never got over it and with time I have learned to accept the changed person he has become. His actions and changed behavior have shown me I can get passed the betrayal. I grieved my first marriage with him and I am now on my second with that same person who is now able to be true to himself and others. He also gives hope to so many others.
How did you find out?
I now know my husband had been fighting addiction since I met him and I did not know there was a second life he was leading. He got in trouble and was arrested and this allowed him to finally come clean with everything and give me answers I had been praying for. This was one of the hardest times in my life , yet I am so grateful for how it unfolded because it helped me heal and understand all the disconnect I was feeling. I would have left him without knowing the full truth, and having all the answers helped me find myself again.
Yes , I completely regret not trusting my gut and going with what I was feeling. I know I would never steer myself wrong and yet I kept telling myself to not be so crazy. I was disconnected to him and I knew something was wrong but kept pushing my own feelings away as if marriage was suppose to feel that shitty.
If kids weren’t involved would you have left?
I know that the kids did have a part in controlling my anger towards him and allowing him to show us he could change. My younger self would have walked out and probably never looked back. But the mother in me knew my kids deserved a dad, either with us as co-parents or not. I absolutely love the person my husband has become and although my heart was shattered, he was able to help me pick up the pieces and make an even stronger bond.
Why share this with the world?
I think being open about this will help others. Life is not perfect and even if we divorced, I would still want the world to know people can change. I think with support and community addiction can be overcome. It is nothing I would have ever imagined but it is more common than you think and if we could just communicate and talk about society and the unhealthy behaviors , maybe more people wouldn’t hide in shame. My husband was in shame and guilt for a long time and now he has a weight lifted off him and shares our story so it could help someone else overcome the challenges they face. Communication and honesty is so important and without it we can never be our authentic selves.
Also check out “the truth will set you free” blog post for more details.
I love you Katy